Satisfaction Guaranteed (Short Story)

“Motherfuckers, these sadistic corporate whores” yelled Mike on the top of his voice, I lay there without even raising a brow as the fear of him assaulting my time with his rants always remains engrossed within but still being courteous as I was, I uttered a soft “Why?” and before those words could leave my mouth he had started-“ Bastards again activated an unwanted service, this time the devil is ‘Daily Astrology’, firstly who invented this shit of a science or whatever it is, I had a Maths exam last week and in the paper it read “you will outshine your counterparts in every field, today is your day”, Yes, undoubtedly it was my day, but of being brutally sodomized by an otherwise worthless piece of paper, makes me tremble when I think of those 3 hours, gave away that evil parchment to bhelpuri wala and these soul sucking bastards have compelled me to spend 30 bucks on the shit, Fuck Astrology!, Fuck Vaayutel! , let me call the customer care. Oh! Turns out I have just one freaking rupee left in my account and these Dementors charge even for calling the customer services ,can I borrow your phone?”

“When has my denying ever stopped you, go ahead”, I mumbled and went back to savouring the sweet melodies by Advaita. “These people must be having secret tournaments to decide who would make the most complex labyrinth of customer care service , so fucking arduous to get to talk to one of their executives as if they are the fucking Queen of England and we are their petty subjects and now it’s almost been over a minute and this mechanical whore keeps telling me that my call is important to her, then why doesn’t anyone pick up the fucking phone.” Mike kept whining.
“Hello!”
“Yeah , to fuck with your fake gratitude man, jot down my number and tell me why did you steal money from my account ,9876543210.”
“What the fuck man?, The lowlife just hung up on me” ,I shook my head to make him believe that I cared.
“I’m not giving up on this easily  ,let me just juice my phone up with adequate moolah and by the time I’m done with them their ears would be regretting that they ever picked my call.”, said Mike with that grin on his face that always makes him look constipated.
After 27 minutes
“Hello, what the fuck you ingrate, one of your Oompa Loompas  from your fucking Apokolis hung up on me the last time I called to file a complaint of siphon.”
“Yes, I will lower my tone and be careful with my words when you’ll return my fucking money you son of a bitch”
“Yeah, this is the number I tried filing a complaint about you soulless pederast, I’ll fucking drag your ass to the court and fillet . . . . .. hello? hello?”
“Fucker hung up on me again”, and just as he finished that line , his phone beeped twice indicating the receiving of two consecutive text messages and I still resent that I did not get a camera then and treasured that look on the face of Mike , fumbling , he tried was trying to find solace by grabbing the other end of the couch,and I, out of curiosity snatched the cell-phone away from his hands, there were two messages received in the thread:
“Ithe-uthe,hum hai Kutte by Hiney Singh has been activated as your Ear-tune. You have been charged Rs.60 for the service. Thank You.”

“Thank You for contacting Vaayutel, hope you were satisfied with your interaction with Amit, we at Vaayutel work hard to have your Satisfaction Guaranteed”

I fell off the couch laughing.

Posers,Posers,Posers. . .

Now this is not an attempt on belittling, though if going through this ,makes you feel even a tinge of disparagement then I would feel like the purpose of writing this post has been served.

So, where do I even begin with? Me obviously, as before pointing a finger at any individual you have to deal with the other three directing towards you. Yes, I am a stern follower of hypocrisy, but in my defense, evolution demands it, now in a world with so much to binge on you cannot expect to be all milk and no water, behavioral adulteration has now transformed into a cult these days (didn’t get it? I was expecting you won’t, take the hint). The point being it falls under the circumference of the conventional ‘wrong’ but is acceptable to an extent. Personally, I think everything that does not fall under the realms of mortal sin is more or less acceptable. So, that is how I justify my social anomalies through my philosophical bends, what is your excuse? (I know you don’t have any, caught you with your pants down, didn’t I?). So, now with your permission I would like to take a derisive detour and stick the boot right in.

Now, I know many of you practice and participate in certain things just to get the approval of a certain group of individuals in the society, most of them to be precise  ( ‘participate’ being just a general form of the verb here which might range anything from a ‘do’ to the vigorous forms of ‘ass kissing’). Well apparently those have been typecast-ed by you as outcasts and social pariahs save themselves the trouble but in contrary to my tone I very much appreciate the amount of work you guys put in to get accepted by your peers which axiomatically turns you into a piece of work. (you see, I turned it around) and the phenomenon is omnipresent and undeniable in any field or sector of life you search in.

So, while we are on the subject, I wanted to point out some of my favorite categories and throw a handful of reproach at them. I know I might be slammed later for the classification but what the hell :D

• The Aesthetically Deprived – Now , there is nothing wrong with the way you look buddy and experimenting with asinine colors is only making you look like a cross between Willy Wonka and an androgynous Lady Gaga. Be the way you are, get comfortable with your attire and if even then anyone judges you , then he/she is the sheriff of Shmucksville and can go suck skunk-piss.

•The Pseudo-Intellectuals – Now, let me make this thing as clear as a bell, out of all these cries for attention, yours is the most desperate. Trust me ,you yourself aren’t aware of the point you are trying to make. I know you don’t have anything in your lives to look forward to but you have to understand, you can only flaunt it if you have got it and when you don’t the repercussions are  so humiliating to be even discussed, my heart just fills with pity when I see you guys trying so hard.

• The ‘Kewl Krawd’ – This group is the most diversified of all and is divided into so many sub-groups that  they cannot be defined even with the help of abstract algebra.
First of all you need stop using that ‘SMS lingo’ of yours everywhere, using a ‘u’ in ‘coming’ makes it way too inappropriate, not ‘kewl’.
Stop treating social media as your personal diary or hourly scrapbook, So much narcissism is unacceptable, changing the color of your glasses  wouldn’t change the face the almighty has bestowed you , deal with it.

• The Bullies – You fucktards need to get your shit straight, your insecurities are eating you away and you are just one step away from becoming violent sociopaths (O wait, too late!). Find a more suitable way to vent the frustration of having an inadequate wiener or erectile dysfunction.

• The Snooty Boy/Girl –These are the people who have been blessed with an above average knowledge(self-proclaimed expertise) in their respective fields.Now I know you guys know your shit way well but that doesn’t give you the prerogative to dance over my ass, try this very strange medicine called ‘humbleness’, wouldn’t hurt much(your egos to be precise). Just remember my poop smells and so does yours, try taking a sniff the next time you are having difficulty in comprehending the concept of equality.

I could actually go on to never stop but that wouldn’t stop you guys from being the colossal ass-hats you currently are and without your presence I might stop feeling better about myself. So, Adios muchachos and keep rocking. ;)

X+Y Chronicles : Attempt on Appeasement

So, here I was holding the mark-sheet in my hands which was struggling for its life and sniggering from inside was my arch-enemy which looked quite contended with the two zeroes right besides it (He thinks it is adding up to his value, what a sucker!). On my way back home ,while I pondered about the implications and ramifications(most of which were about escaping the inevitable pyrotechnics of ass-kickings  that were to follow) and nothing devious came to my mind(I guess its about time I stop listening to R.E.M), and everywhere I look I find the darkness spreading and engulfing light of the logical reasoning and converting it to a synonym of mathematical reasoning ,it has been spreading like a malignant cancer, corrupting the system with its numbers and operators, making itself look and be perceived as convenient(convenient my ass!)  And it’s incurable now (bravo! what an epiphany).

I tried checking the time and the numbers were sneering inside from the watch, I tried to relieve myself of the starvation at an eating joint, a big number was smack-banged onto my face, I tried to register my existence in the world and I was stamped with a number, I am nothing but a number, We all are merely numbers intermingling and living in a labyrinth now controlled by Lord Mathematics, that was my moment of articulacy. I had no chance against this overlord and somehow or the other it has successfully made a way through my life-line and corrupted it too (ah, the horror).

The first thought that came to me was all my life I have fought this callous tyrant and I will never succumb to his ways and die as martyr but saner minds prevail. So, I have decided to actually mend my ways with him and reach on an appeasement in which I will have to study and he will endow me with numbers that would redeem me from my present condition. Seems like a sweet deal, let us just see how it turns out be (and f.y.i, I’m still getting my ass-kicked).

A Salman Trivia

Now, there I was , starting with a brilliant piece of work by Mr.Frederick Forsyth , but then buzzes my phone and a hasty voice had already started praising  “him”, by the time the phone reached my ear it was like-“ aur climax to boht hi tod tha yaar kya btau mai”, while I was trying to figure out what it was actually about another shrieking voice in the background says-“awww, Salman, hayyyyeeeee” and again came, one of my many “bang my head against a firm surface” moments.  So now I wrote a little trivia, so that you people won’t bug me again,

1. Why still a bachelor?
->Ummmmmmmmm, I learned somewhere that using performance enhancing and tissue building steroids for a long period of time leads to infertility or erectile dysfunction in males. So. . . . . . . I think, I have made my point here.

2. Why so violent?
-> It also came to my knowledge from a science journal that inability to use one’s genetilia can cause frustration and violent episodes of sub-psychotic rage. These people try to take this out on weaker beings, so that would explain the acts of domestic violence evident on his then “girlfriends” and my little friend “the black buck” :/

3. Why so generous and inclination towards social causes?
-> To explain this, I would like to tell you about our neighbors’ dog Marshal, now Marshal has a tendency to poop at any random place in their garden but then he realizes “Darn, here comes the fat guy with a bamboo stick”, so he covers it up with mud. I wanted to put it delicately, so I used a parable, and then you guys are smart enough to do the inferring. ;)

All I wanted to deduce is that there is more that what meets the eyes, the Almighty has blessed everyone with the same amount of brain platter, so my advice is not to go bananas over someone who is knee deep in filth (you know who :D),there I said it, and even then if you want to because “everybody is entitled to their opinions”, try punching in some other deluded being’s number. 

"Me tera khoon pee jaunga Black Buck" because I tend to take my frustration out on weaker beings.

X+Y Chronicles: Origin of the Nemesis

There  is a very noticeable thing about the things you hate in life- they never tend to cease popping up. All these years,I have tried to abscond its presence,many a times successfully but yet it somehow manages to creep back int my life like how a Komodo monitor hunts( It thrusts its fangs into the body of its prey and thus begins a relentless pursuit till the slow yet malignant venom squeezes the life out of the poor being). It’s my ultimate nemesis,as to Superman is Darkseid, to Batman is the Joker, to Wolverine is Sabertooth, to Women is Silence and to Charles is ‘Mathematics’.


And to be true it is vindictive as hell and you better trust me on that. It has been after my peace of mind since I hit adolescence(before tat everything is actually a blur except one incident). As far as I am able to recall,our rivalry goes back to the days of our formal introduction. It was in its most elementary of form like a cute little bear cub which seems harmless(at first!) and I was a 70-80 cm,booger dripping,goofy figure who thought he could chase the wind and bottle it someday( I actually tried it once in the kindergarten and fell flat-faced on the concrete floor and realized “Wind can fly!” , I guess that was my very first moment of epiphany).

Every hostility begins somewhere,it has to have a point of Origin, its not like one fine morning you woke up(in Germany) and felt like waging a war against the States and went with the idea. Ours began when an incident took place that changed my entire physical universe, metamorphisized it into a burning labyrinth of twine. It was fine till we were dealing with numbers but then one  dark afternoon they introduced me to ‘the SUM’ and the graphite in m pencil etched the first of the many blunders to come in future              2 + 2= 5 (and I also licked the notebook for some reason that is yet under the layers of enigma) and thus began a never-ending conflict between  ‘it’ and me(I believe that iterating its name only makes it stronger,”you know who!”). I know it is still smirking under the cover of ‘Sequential Algebra’  while I frown. Never goes a day when we don't try to establish an eternal dominance over each other and put an end to it for once and for all but it never ends. . . . .. .               “Some battles you win,some battles you lose.”

The Road less Travelled! (a short story)

Adolescence was kissing our feet as we entered the room with a board on which ” IX-A” was scrolled over and four of us entered the class with a cocky grin.
“oh! So this is where Riya Awasthi used to rest her so exquisite posterior” shouted Piyuesh while trying to embrace the chair.
“Can’t you just try not to be disgusting at the very first day of class??” I replied scornfully.
“First return my copy of “ bedroom delights ”, you kinky bastard” came the retaliation and I adhered to my seat without making any more comments.
“Yea Puss,what if any of the girls walks in?” asked a concerned Gaggi.
“People, with great power comes great responsibility and now as official seniors it is for us to endorse the disgust and kink.”

“wooo, look at her, tighter shirt and a shorter skirt, puberty is directly proportional to skankiness brah, we have to keep up with the girls dude,so pull your zippers up” as Puss continued.
“shut up yaar Puss,enough with the crap, zip it now” yelled Sid who wasn’t as chirpy as usual.
” What happened Romeo,why so cranky?? didn’t Garima wish you with the ‘muah-infested good night’ yesterday ?” I mocked.
“had a spat again,didn’t you?? It will be fine yaar” consoled Gaggi as we all took adjacent seats, the bell rang.

Ringing the bell like demented primates was Puss standing outside my gate yelling “Baabu wouldn’t let us in you mofo, make it quick” .
“let me just lock the doors bey and please can you speak in a lower register, we have neighbors ,damn you Maths! You took away my privilege of sleeping in the afternoon ” I kept mumbling and reluctantly got on my bicycle.
“That moron Sid wouldn’t stop sulking, should we gift him with Kama sutra coloring books ?” started Piyuesh.
”Umm,no! I guess those new DVDs should be a better choice” I replied in a serious tone.
“ah! interactive learning, brilliant sire!” clucked Puss and so we pedaled on and we were to meet Gaggi and Sid on the Chowk(crossroads), as usual Gaggi was there but Sid wasn’t.
“We’ll have to bunk the tuition today, they broke-up” were the words that came out of Gaggi’s mouth.
No, back then we didn’t think it was juvenile breaking up on some trivial issue which I don’t even remember, but yeah it was something stupid for sure. We rushed to Sid’s place, which reeked of Aslam and Iglesias.
“It is fine yaar, you cannot change destiny and the bitch was asking for it.” I said as everybody nodded.
“Maybe you are right ,I should get a break from. . . . . .(te-te,te-te ‘ the message alert tone’,he picks up the phone and reads ),I need to go to her house,she wants to talk”.
“Ok,fine you have fun and now when we have time to kill,God bless Playstation!” said Puss.
“you all are coming” ,
“We are doomed” I sighed in exasperation.

Now Garima lived across the town which was like a 7 km ride and there were two ways of getting there: one) take the main road and be stuck in traffic for half an hour or 2) take the road less travelled which ran parallel to the highway but was also deserted because of the long-running stories about dacoity and ghostly hitchhikers as it was not well-lit , which took us around 8 mins to cross and second had always been our obvious choice. It had started to get dusky , we reached Garima’s place ,now we were quite acquainted to her family as we would at frequent intervals visit for “notes:P”, everyone but her father(a mentally ill being probably suffering from psychosis),that person used to creep the hell out of us , to him we were an eyesore and he to us. So while these two had their “talk” while we sat there happily munching on cheese-balls and wafers. Apparently , both parties eventually made peace and the much awaited “patch-up” happened.
“Couldn’t they have done all this gooey stuff on phone??, Graham Bell’s soul is crying out loud right now, I tell you. ” murmured Puss while Gaggi sipped on the Frooti juice box.
So at last we we got up to leave and started towards the door and as her mother was busy doing kitchen work, she came running, caught hold of Sid, hugged him and gave him a peck on his cheek while we pretended to look away .
”What is going on here?” said a roaring voice, we turned and there was her Dad and the look on his face was enough for us all to pee our pants.
”Each one for himself, save yourselves” shouted Puss and we ran like anything, got on our bicycles and did not even dare to slow down or look back till we reached route no. 2.
“You horny bastard, you almost got us killed just for the sake of pleasing your penis” said an annoyed Puss and I turned back intending to frown upon him, a cold wave of eeriness ran throughout my body as Sid wasn’t there and neither was Gaggi, when I made Puss aware he was left speechless too. “Let us just get out of the place as soon as possible” he said and we started pedaling faster.

“suhaana safar aur ye mausam haseen,humey darr hai hum kho naa jaye kahi”.
“what the fuck are you doing??” he shouted, all cranked up.
“trying to level down the nervousness dude”. “By the way it’s working” now sounding a little relaxed.
“Hehehehehe,Suhaana Safar?? Where are you guys heading” asked a stuttering voice.
I turned right to see a bald, man riding adjacent to us and smiling,one of his tooth was missing. I actually lost my breath for a moment and that feeling of fear I can not ever describe ,my mouth went dry and then I heard Puss yelling “Fuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk”, we both cycled with all our strength and in a span of mere 2 minutes we were on the highway. We went straight to our respective homes and then to bed but sleep eluded me all night. Next morning ,rang the door bell and the three of them came in. Actually what happened was Gaggi and Sid in hassle and bafflement took the highway and reached home only half an hour later ,they then decided not to disturb us and discuss the “scene” in school. We then narrated the whole story to both of them,for a moment there was silence and then we all burst into laughters, “what a God-forbidden day it was?” and apparently Garima didn’t show up in class for an another week.