Cries of Redemption

So I wish to clinch thee, keep you as my own,
but would only give a gloaming aftermath.
assuaging it would be to let you shine,
and me,a mere benefactor of your resplendence.

The melody I could hum but dare cantillate,
my voice unworthy, my tongue blasphemous.
Bellows my soul in agony though,
my incapabilities morphing into my chastisements.

No spirit can now quench, the intoxication I yearn for,
 esplanade to the Elysian fields, your eyes.
and a self-abominating addict they have stamped me,
and I derisively stamped their verdict a euphemism.

Bereft I lay in the harrowed lands of melancholy,
and eyes bloodless,waiting for my saviour.
Beseech you for redemption, my remorseless deity,
do not let them go unheard,a heathen’s devoted cry for salvation.

And When I say I'm Blank . . .

The state of being “blank” is always considered (as one of my close friend puts it) desirable, for when you are experiencing it, you are relieved of the mundanely plans that fill your mind or the urge to be unprecedented, guess that would be my brain’s version of taking a vacation(on the contrary I think it is always on one). I have always wanted to experience and understand going through the phase and now when I am actually going through the phase, savoring it doesn’t seem much plausible. It is but fascinating that how an amalgamation of random thoughts and emotions keep popping and vanishing in a jiffy. It starts with a bunch of mathematical equations and leads to that cute girl from college you have always wanted to ask out (or talk to), an errand you promised to do but never did or that moment of desired solitude you felt mentally while being physically present among a group of friends. Endless dialogues in a soliloquy.

I read somewhere that Aquarians live in the future(I might not personally advocate the mass delusion of astrology but then who wants to risk it), maybe that is one of the reasons I try to keep my thoughts as optimistic as possible, but to think what would your version of remedy be if your mind is no more able to dispense any thoughts at all, the one entity that you thought to be the requisite of your daily routine has been snatched away but surprisingly there aren’t any feelings of bereftness and these course of events then leave you flummoxed as you now no longer possess the skills of either comprehension or articulation , you cannot help it.

So, being now aware of my helplessness, I lit one of my cigarettes and focused on the irony of the situation as I was going through the Statutory Warning on my pack and the music player in my phone started playing “Stayin' Alive” by the Bee Gees.

A Salman Trivia

Now, there I was , starting with a brilliant piece of work by Mr.Frederick Forsyth , but then buzzes my phone and a hasty voice had already started praising  “him”, by the time the phone reached my ear it was like-“ aur climax to boht hi tod tha yaar kya btau mai”, while I was trying to figure out what it was actually about another shrieking voice in the background says-“awww, Salman, hayyyyeeeee” and again came, one of my many “bang my head against a firm surface” moments.  So now I wrote a little trivia, so that you people won’t bug me again,

1. Why still a bachelor?
->Ummmmmmmmm, I learned somewhere that using performance enhancing and tissue building steroids for a long period of time leads to infertility or erectile dysfunction in males. So. . . . . . . I think, I have made my point here.

2. Why so violent?
-> It also came to my knowledge from a science journal that inability to use one’s genetilia can cause frustration and violent episodes of sub-psychotic rage. These people try to take this out on weaker beings, so that would explain the acts of domestic violence evident on his then “girlfriends” and my little friend “the black buck” :/

3. Why so generous and inclination towards social causes?
-> To explain this, I would like to tell you about our neighbors’ dog Marshal, now Marshal has a tendency to poop at any random place in their garden but then he realizes “Darn, here comes the fat guy with a bamboo stick”, so he covers it up with mud. I wanted to put it delicately, so I used a parable, and then you guys are smart enough to do the inferring. ;)

All I wanted to deduce is that there is more that what meets the eyes, the Almighty has blessed everyone with the same amount of brain platter, so my advice is not to go bananas over someone who is knee deep in filth (you know who :D),there I said it, and even then if you want to because “everybody is entitled to their opinions”, try punching in some other deluded being’s number. 

"Me tera khoon pee jaunga Black Buck" because I tend to take my frustration out on weaker beings.

चाहत-ऐ-जिंदगी

ख्वाहिशों  की खुली ज़मीं पर ,लड़खड़ाती सी
अरमानों के दायरों से लडती ,झूंझती सी
मयखानों के दर पे, मुस्कुराती सी
और जूठी मुस्कुराहटो पर मुरझाती सी

जो ख़ामोशी चाही, तो चीखती सी
जो मचाया शोर , तो शमशानी सन्नाटों सी
गुज़रे वक़्त की फटी चादरों में खुद को समेटती
सिसकियों में डूबी ,आसूओ में नहाई सी

उस सर्द मौसम की बारिश सी
कदमों तले पत्तों की रंजिश सी
बिन खरोंच के उस ज़ख्म सी
कापती ,चरमराती , रोती सी

थी जो चाहतों से भरी इस कदर
की साँसों का दम घोटती थी
और अब जो साँसों का दौर है चला
तो चाहत-ऐ-जिंदगी को तलाशती सी


P.S - Now, for a while I have been arduously trying to write something in our primary language(had always wanted to), so , here is my very first attempt on it. Though I am not in conversant with Hindi/Urdu writing styles, this might be an amalgamation of both, so cut me some slack on pedant-ism

Voluntarily Disoriented

There could be or could not be a possible explanation to whatever occurs in our lives. Most of us had planned big for the future (just planned) and therefore those plans inevitably came crashing to the ground, its better for the delusions of grandeur to end as early as possible, but then who is to blame for as humans cannot help their urge to find an explanation to their failures rather than moving on, yeah social acceptance is a bitch, life would have been such a breeze without it or is it that the majority of our species has fallen for such a fallacy. We can live without approval from each other, right? Sadly, I cannot answer this for you, as you have to answer this for yourself, is it worth going through all that suffering, trauma and mental agony just because you haven’t proved your mettle, what if you did? You could have the rest of your life elapsed in false pride, that would be the bargain.

We have devised our present world in such a manner that a majority of us would never be able to see, decipher or appreciate the word “satisfaction” (I am personally very much dubious of the word). This should not be misconstrued as an attempt on ranting, believe me I have always found better ways of expressing my disappointment(s) in life. Pawning our lives for small bits of guised bliss and empty smiles, doesn’t it somehow fits the definition of a disguised purgatory? Is that what we are leading ourselves into and pushing 'humanity' on the verge of extinction, a huge clan of soulless bastards without a driving force or an objective, no bigger picture to be foreseen.

Now I don’t see a reason to cuss about it! Failure, in itself is not a bad thing but relenting and succumbing to it is but what we do is sulk and crave for empathy of our fellow-sapiens. Yes that is what the world has come to, where there is no sign of equivalence in our emotional and physical worlds, we run perplexed after words which hold no actual meaning, believe me! they wouldn’t have, even after devoting so much of time, working so extensively you would find yourself ending up with nothing but a disoriented life because you never had lucidity in your goals to begin with. Most of the people I know follow the sheep-herd and would happily lead their life in ignorance without even questioning the purpose of their existence, not their fault exactly, conformism is fed to us as milk to toddlers and conventionalities are etched on the wet mortar of tender hearts.

So, what could be the solution to such an affair? Tragicomically, I suffer with the same dilemmas (or delusions) as everyone does but yes, juxtapose I’m also aware something is not right like why aren’t we ever able to hit the Promised Land? The things we fear are mere equivalents of the monsters under our bed whose existence we were made to believe in our pre-adolescence in order to coerce discipline and the thing was/is that they have always only been in our head. Just for once question and seek answers to the purpose of your existence and "do not just exist but live".

Thou Shall Not Be Rational!

And there I was trying to get some sleep but something did not let me doze, conflicting thoughts maybe, an omnipresent fear of the dark(it’s always better to acknowledge your fears, at least you would know what you are actually afraid of and the root causes could be explored for a start). We always fear what we cannot see or things beyond our comprehension always make us uncomfortable. Just like the concept of a supernatural being such as God who is to govern us in his elusive ways and he is to be feared. Now let me put it this way, why is something/someone who is supposed to be the epitome of all the positive energy (or could we use brand ambassador?) never tried to make a public appearance and then it is backed by such preposterous quotes as –“Blessed are those who believe without demanding a proof”, many might misconstrue the point I’m trying to make, my request would be to consider it with an open mind. When we have been blessed with a curious mind and the art of deducing answers to our problems, why is analyzing facts associated with faith considered a subject of taboo, instead we are to presume that the person in question is to be feared, now isn’t it the actual definition of monarchy, where it is considered a crime to question the authority of the monarch, the only difference being, here it is done under the name of blasphemy.

Most of our asinine fears are derived from myths and according to my opinion, so is religion. Myths have always been used by the abhorrent (humans) to manipulate the weaker minds from the primordial times. These people were the ones who used it to create a cynical universe that they could easily alter at their will with being a little creative with their words and actions (mostly disguised) and gradually the seed of superstition sown in the incised earth of fear sprouted a sapling that eventually grew into a strongly rooted and spread a behemoth: the tree of religion. Why shouldn’t we be demanding alibis (I reckoned it to be the best fit) of events what the ministers of faith call miracles?  Isn’t it only fair that when we are designed to question, we are entitled to answers? Okay, we ate the forbidden fruit and transcended into intelligent life form but then why did we come with an option to upgrade when we were designed to be ignorant dumbfucks till the end of times. Consider seriously what you are succumbing to, a set of beliefs which when questioned give out contradictory answers. I could go on for a considerable amount of time and come up with very amusing and apparent factoids but I guess I would leave it for you to fathom the ramifications and implications and do not forget to – Question everything!

Lucid Much ?

Every time I let words out of my mouth, all I crave for is lucidity. Like why cannot I reach the pinnacle of articulation, maybe lucidity isn’t something that I am concerned about (Not!). You cannot just think that you are capable of dispensing unprecedented wisdom whenever you wish to(capability being a misnomer here, you know when I told you about my incapability of bringing out clarity in my thoughts but believe me they are the metaphorical equivalent of the uncut diamonds I must say, narcissistic much? Cannot actually help it).

Let me just give you an example of a highly approved and consensually accepted piece of uncertain knowledge (no, we won’t be discussing Modern art :/ ). It’s the Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, now that is a man of clarity and transparent thoughts. As we know most of our Quantum Mechanics is based on hypothetical theories and convincing people to recognize and accept your piece of super-intellectual theory is one tough cookie to break. But the man did it and what he apparently proved was an uncertainty, now don’t just consider the theoretical aspect (I know many of you pedantic asses would without giving a thought jump to that, hold your horses) but what it symbolizes, conjunction of two contradictory words to form an oxymoron (proved uncertainty) which completely changed man’s understanding of the complete working universe and that is where the line of lucidity becomes dull (which has always been thin).

I see lucidity as an answer to the questions and conflicting confabulations that incessantly go on and on in my acorn-sized mind. The very first purpose is that the thirst should be quenched, only after that I could think of observing the reflections: after the ripples have settled down. Most of the times you would find answers that might render your very questions (even purpose of existence) obsolete or redundant.